I am opening batteries and putting them in my eyes.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

I might have more later when I put the pieces of my head back together.

DENIED

So, my dream of a "I want to cut his nuts off" shirt has been quashed. I got this e-mail from the company that handles the shirts for CNN:

Hello Mick, Thank you for your email.
We are certainly glad you are enjoying our new service, unfortunately, this is not possible. CNN's web editors choose the headlines that become available. Therefor if there is no t-shirt logo beside a certain headline then that headline will not be available. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and would like to offer you the opportunity to design your own t-shirt with Spreadshirt! It's easy simply visit the Spreadshirt Designer!
Thank you for your interest in Spreadshirt/ CNN Shirt's and have a great weekend! Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.


Was the answer of any help for you? ($5 coupon) Please provide your feedback here

I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe I will just get the knife killing shirt instead.

Follow-up to previous post

So, I ended the last post with a grand thought. Would it be possible to get a T-Shirt with the Jesse Jackson "I want to cut his nuts off" quote? Let's find out.

My message to Spreadshirt, the vendor of CNN Headline T's:

Good Afternoon,

My name is Mick, and I think your partnership with CNN is a really neat thing. I actually was wondering one thing regarding that partnership. Would it be possible to get a T-Shirt with any CNN headline, in the same style as the ones already available? There are a few I would really like, but have not been made available.

Please let me know,

Mick

I will post a reply if I get one. And, mark my words, if it is possible, I will pay $15 USD. And post a picture of myself wearing it.

My New T-Shirt

I love CNN.

Not because it is the pinnacle for great journalism. Not because Wolf+Cooper-Cafferty/Dobbs=Politics. Not even because they seem to have a graphic for every single sentence spoken by its anchors.

It makes me smile. Because sometimes, the things it does are so mind-numbingly troublesome, the only thing I can do to relieve the pressure that is about to make my eyes fall out, is laugh a little.

Not the most recent example, but certainly the best, is the "CNN Headline T-Shirt Feature." This particular facet of the "Most Trusted Name in News" website makes me laugh so hard, that I hope they also make underwear to replace the one's I soiled.

The premise is this: Everyday, CNN reports on about 4 to 5 video only stories that are mostly fluff. You know, the "Cat Falls 45 feet . . . Only to Land on Feet!" or "Granny Knits to China," kind of thing. Apparently, the general public is so enthusiastic about these particular types of stories, the network could not help but ask itself how it could turn a profit.

Enter the T-Shirt. Two sleeves, one neck hole, and one opening in the bottom to allow the sad, mostly-lifeless individual depraved enough to want a non-sense, un-newsworthy headline to be advertised across their chest decrying "I saw it on CNN."

Naturally, I want one. So, if anyone feels so inclined to help me decide, I have narrowed down the many choices down to just a few.

The "Those Crazy Brits!" shirt:


Wait, what? This must be a mistake. Certainly, a CNN intern somewhere spilled coffee on the control panel that enables a headline to become clothing. Certainly, brutal murders in London via blade could not have been meant to be available to the public. I'll give the benefit of the doubt. Simple mistake. On to the next.

The "Lil Hitchhiker" shirt:


Mother of God. Something is wrong. Is this the kind of shirt that CNN's crack marketing team decided would appeal to the "28-45 year old Serial Killer" demographic? More likely than not, this headline was never followed up on by the network. What's worse, some poor, parentless child who sat roadside is now immortalized on a fitted short sleeved or baby-doll T-Shirt. What's worst is this orphaned individual's story is being profited on by a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate. But hey, everyone makes mistakes. Even, sometimes, more than once. Next.

The "Whatever it takes to keep Wal-Mart's Prices Low, Low" shirt:

If Satan himself came to earth intent on purchasing something to cover his rippled, blood-red chest, I think this would be just the T. Because nothing says "I enjoy the news enough to wear it" like the fluffy, light-hearted musings of human labor.

So, I am off to watch the perpetual loop of "I want to cut his nuts off" until the Cubs are on.

. . .

Oh, SHIT. I wonder if they will make that into a shirt.

Short take.

So, I was planning on writing a lot more today, considering the recent political news and subsequent home-run coverage, but for the past few days my head feels like one of the Bowser shaped air-filled sacks from the original Mario Party (see below if you are unfamiliar.)


So, in hopes of keeping things fresh, here is a slightly out-of-context, yet classic clipping from the CNN.com home page. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

In fact, caption contest. Best comment wins. Even though there probably won't be any.

Another reason to fear Rachel Ray.

Hide the women, children and fashionable neck wear, they are here. We have heard about it infinitely, but surely, what is pictured below is the most concrete proof yet that the terrorists have, indeed, infiltrated this great country.

Those with pre-existing heart conditions, easily nauseated, are pregnant or may become pregnant may not want to shift their eyes and inch downward:


No, a group of extremists have not plotted to systematically poison Dunkin' Doughnuts Iced Coffees, despite the fact that drinking a large may very well cause a bowel obstruction in a pachyderm. What has occurred is far more frightening, and has little to do with my fascination for poop jokes.

In the photo, Rachel Ray dons a kaffiyeh, because she supports terrorism. Or, at least thats what the story would have you believe.

Without a shred of their own reporting, the AP says the T.V. cooking show host "holds an iced coffee while standing in front of trees with pink blossoms."

My first thought was wondering why they bothered to mention the flowering trees. Then I realized Ray must not be mentally capable enough to realize that it is, in fact, springtime and no one has any business still wearing a scarf. Obviously, then, she purposely decided to leaf through her closet full of kaffiyehs to show her deep seeded Palestinian nationalism while simultaneously accenting the gallon of iced coffee she is clutching.

Also, if you click the button that says audio, Ray screams "Death to the Infidel" and proceeds to let the audience know what her favorite iced beverage is.

The story does a fantastic job of showing what not to do, when it uses conservative writer Michelle Malkin AS THE SOURCE of what a kaffiyeh is:

The kaffiyeh, Malkin wrote in a column posted online last Friday, “has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant (and not-so-ignorant) fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.”

Without any additional investigation, insight, expert testimony or a simple copy-paste into wiki-pedia, the story goes on to spurt out some of the most gloriously nonsensical PR I have seen in a very long time. Dunkin' Doughnuts, the people who pride themselves on fried, sometimes frosted or jelly-filled dough and over-sugared coffee, stated "“the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.” The statement is so well boggled, that Blogger's spell-check puts the same red underline under misperception as it does misunderestimated.

The chain is vehement in insisting that there was no symbolism intended in the choice of scarf. To accentuate this, they pulled the ad and clarified that the scarf was paisley. (Unfortunately, the AP beat writer may have to write a similar story tomorrow when people realize paisley shows symbolic support for The Soap and Detergent Association.)

Seriously, though, this sort of thing makes my Restless Leg Syndrome become violent. Somehow, we cannot possibly fathom why certain people would not want our culture to become part of theirs. Our society of is so inherently perfect and universal, it is a sin to possibly reject it. Yet, when an example of another culture is infused into ours, even if it only resembles said example, we become maniacal. A kaffiyeh, while indeed worn by some who believe and practice a skewed and unpopular version of the Muslim faith, is simply a traditional headdress.

That's it.

But yes, let us continue to reject any cultural infusion that is not our own, because it is scary, and additionally continue to demand everyone swallows our Red, White and Tan iced coffee culture everywhere else.

Filler.

I have a lot of old columns laying around on a hard drive choking to death from a file titled "Junk Drawer." I save everything to the desktop, and when icons start stacking on top of one another, I throw them all in the disorganized mess. Here is just one of the gems that provoked a sense of nostalgia to enjoy while I get the ball rolling.

For the last four years, I have had a medium to vent about things that will eventually cause me a spectacular stroke. These things are mostly the Media and Politics. With this paper rug ripped out from under me, I need something new to paint me as a screaming maniac.

So enjoy this old gem from a time where things were so much simpler.

Who let this go to press?

___________________________

IM here to help.

This week, a republican representative from Florida taught us one thing:

The old adage about writing your congressman when you have a problem isn't nearly as effective as instant messaging them.

Mark Foley, or maf85, proved to American voters that even he has obviously never seen an episode of "To Catch a Predator" when it was made public he had sexually explicit conversations with a 16-year-old male congressional page.

He later announced his resignation and that he is an alcoholic gay man who was molested by a clergyman, but also that he wants to make no excuses for his actions.

With an impending investigation into his actions, I figure Mr. Foley probably needs a little help.

Being the expert in both the political mind and the screen names people create when they realize their first choice is taken, I have successfully guessed many of our leaders' online aliases.

There is ObamaRama08 (Illinois Senator Barak Obama), SupremeVixen3000 (Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg), and xoPopTartsox (President George W. Bush).

So, it came as no surprise when I received a strange instant message the other day desperately seeking help.

PageMaster999: um, is this mickswasko? i got ur screen name from TrentLottsofLove70.

mick: What do you think?

PageMaster999: srry, i am trying to be more careful with this whole aim thing.

mick: You know, your screen name is mildly inappropriate.

PageMaster999: lol, yeah my first choice wuz 'real_page_turner'.

mick: That is positively disgusting.

PageMaster999: um, what r u wearing?

mick signed off at 12:55:20

mick signed on at 1:47:01

PageMaster999: i was JK! ROFL

PageMaster999: plz talk to me. Obama told me about ur advice that he should be al bowmans running mate in 2012 for prez.

mick: I think you should have kept your mouth shut. You should have apologized profusely and disappeared. Your party has a legitimate chance of losing control of the house this term, and as politically challenged as the democrats are at times, it won't be hard for them to maul the Republicans. For the love of God, you were the head of the house committee on Missing and Exploited Children, weren't you cannon fodder enough for the media at that point?

PageMaster999: :( I wuz just trying to clear my name u know?

mick: Yeah, and that is a damn nice privilege. People in the exact same situation are the laughingstock of American viewers all the time on Dateline when they behave the exact same way.

But, because you have political strings to tug in every direction, you get an opportunity to get everyone to feel pity for you.

The rest of the population doesn't get a chance to call a press conference with all major networks in attendance to proclaim why their behavior was excusable.

mick: And don't tell me a man intelligent and functional enough to become a U.S. representative despite being a formerly molested gay male with a drinking problem can't realize the moral obscenity of having cyber sex with a minor and immediately afterward voting on the house floor, in what should be the most sacred part of our democracy.

PageMaster999: the media sux.

mick: No, they don't. It is this kind of investigative reporting that lets people know their elected representatives aren't nearly as polished and capable human beings as they think.

Maybe the democrats did leak this information in time for the election, but it doesn't change the fact you were about to prey upon the kind of people you were in charge of protecting. You offered drinks to a 16-year-old and asked him to measure himself. Keep talking and making new excuses, the public will want more and the media will keep on digging.

PageMaster999: Thanx. can I do anything for u for the trouble? ;)

mick signed off at 2:12:43