I love CNN.
Not because it is the pinnacle for great journalism. Not because Wolf+Cooper-Cafferty/Dobbs=Politics. Not even because they seem to have a graphic for every single sentence spoken by its anchors.
It makes me smile. Because sometimes, the things it does are so mind-numbingly troublesome, the only thing I can do to relieve the pressure that is about to make my eyes fall out, is laugh a little.
Not the most recent example, but certainly the best, is the "CNN Headline T-Shirt Feature." This particular facet of the "Most Trusted Name in News" website makes me laugh so hard, that I hope they also make underwear to replace the one's I soiled.
The premise is this: Everyday, CNN reports on about 4 to 5 video only stories that are mostly fluff. You know, the "Cat Falls 45 feet . . . Only to Land on Feet!" or "Granny Knits to China," kind of thing. Apparently, the general public is so enthusiastic about these particular types of stories, the network could not help but ask itself how it could turn a profit.
Enter the T-Shirt. Two sleeves, one neck hole, and one opening in the bottom to allow the sad, mostly-lifeless individual depraved enough to want a non-sense, un-newsworthy headline to be advertised across their chest decrying "I saw it on CNN."
Naturally, I want one. So, if anyone feels so inclined to help me decide, I have narrowed down the many choices down to just a few.
The "Those Crazy Brits!" shirt:
Wait, what? This must be a mistake. Certainly, a CNN intern somewhere spilled coffee on the control panel that enables a headline to become clothing. Certainly, brutal murders in London via blade could not have been meant to be available to the public. I'll give the benefit of the doubt. Simple mistake. On to the next.
The "Lil Hitchhiker" shirt:
Mother of God. Something is wrong. Is this the kind of shirt that CNN's crack marketing team decided would appeal to the "28-45 year old Serial Killer" demographic? More likely than not, this headline was never followed up on by the network. What's worse, some poor, parentless child who sat roadside is now immortalized on a fitted short sleeved or baby-doll T-Shirt. What's worst is this orphaned individual's story is being profited on by a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate. But hey, everyone makes mistakes. Even, sometimes, more than once. Next.
The "Whatever it takes to keep Wal-Mart's Prices Low, Low" shirt:
If Satan himself came to earth intent on purchasing something to cover his rippled, blood-red chest, I think this would be just the T. Because nothing says "I enjoy the news enough to wear it" like the fluffy, light-hearted musings of human labor.
So, I am off to watch the perpetual loop of "I want to cut his nuts off" until the Cubs are on.
. . .
Oh, SHIT. I wonder if they will make that into a shirt.
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