Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I have a lot of old columns laying around on a hard drive choking to death from a file titled "Junk Drawer." I save everything to the desktop, and when icons start stacking on top of one another, I throw them all in the disorganized mess. Here is just one of the gems that provoked a sense of nostalgia to enjoy while I get the ball rolling.

For the last four years, I have had a medium to vent about things that will eventually cause me a spectacular stroke. These things are mostly the Media and Politics. With this paper rug ripped out from under me, I need something new to paint me as a screaming maniac.

So enjoy this old gem from a time where things were so much simpler.

Who let this go to press?


IM here to help.

This week, a republican representative from Florida taught us one thing:

The old adage about writing your congressman when you have a problem isn't nearly as effective as instant messaging them.

Mark Foley, or maf85, proved to American voters that even he has obviously never seen an episode of "To Catch a Predator" when it was made public he had sexually explicit conversations with a 16-year-old male congressional page.

He later announced his resignation and that he is an alcoholic gay man who was molested by a clergyman, but also that he wants to make no excuses for his actions.

With an impending investigation into his actions, I figure Mr. Foley probably needs a little help.

Being the expert in both the political mind and the screen names people create when they realize their first choice is taken, I have successfully guessed many of our leaders' online aliases.

There is ObamaRama08 (Illinois Senator Barak Obama), SupremeVixen3000 (Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg), and xoPopTartsox (President George W. Bush).

So, it came as no surprise when I received a strange instant message the other day desperately seeking help.

PageMaster999: um, is this mickswasko? i got ur screen name from TrentLottsofLove70.

mick: What do you think?

PageMaster999: srry, i am trying to be more careful with this whole aim thing.

mick: You know, your screen name is mildly inappropriate.

PageMaster999: lol, yeah my first choice wuz 'real_page_turner'.

mick: That is positively disgusting.

PageMaster999: um, what r u wearing?

mick signed off at 12:55:20

mick signed on at 1:47:01

PageMaster999: i was JK! ROFL

PageMaster999: plz talk to me. Obama told me about ur advice that he should be al bowmans running mate in 2012 for prez.

mick: I think you should have kept your mouth shut. You should have apologized profusely and disappeared. Your party has a legitimate chance of losing control of the house this term, and as politically challenged as the democrats are at times, it won't be hard for them to maul the Republicans. For the love of God, you were the head of the house committee on Missing and Exploited Children, weren't you cannon fodder enough for the media at that point?

PageMaster999: :( I wuz just trying to clear my name u know?

mick: Yeah, and that is a damn nice privilege. People in the exact same situation are the laughingstock of American viewers all the time on Dateline when they behave the exact same way.

But, because you have political strings to tug in every direction, you get an opportunity to get everyone to feel pity for you.

The rest of the population doesn't get a chance to call a press conference with all major networks in attendance to proclaim why their behavior was excusable.

mick: And don't tell me a man intelligent and functional enough to become a U.S. representative despite being a formerly molested gay male with a drinking problem can't realize the moral obscenity of having cyber sex with a minor and immediately afterward voting on the house floor, in what should be the most sacred part of our democracy.

PageMaster999: the media sux.

mick: No, they don't. It is this kind of investigative reporting that lets people know their elected representatives aren't nearly as polished and capable human beings as they think.

Maybe the democrats did leak this information in time for the election, but it doesn't change the fact you were about to prey upon the kind of people you were in charge of protecting. You offered drinks to a 16-year-old and asked him to measure himself. Keep talking and making new excuses, the public will want more and the media will keep on digging.

PageMaster999: Thanx. can I do anything for u for the trouble? ;)

mick signed off at 2:12:43


Kellie said...

Wow. I get the honor of being your first commenter. Fantastic.

Very funny column. It reminded me of one Mark Morford wrote in the wake of the Foley scandal, where he has an imaginary IM chat with Bush.

I'm not thrilled with your joke about Ginsburg having "Vixen" in her screen name, that struck me as needlessly sexist and not funny. Other than that, nice piece. Best of luck in your search for work. In the mean time, I'm glad you'll be blogging.

Alex Reside said...

I loved every word of that.

Welcome to the Blog-o-sphere.